lovinblacklove: What's the standard?

lovinblacklove: What's the standard?: If you could date yourself, how would the night go? Would you call yourself days in advance at a reasonable hour to schedule the date? W...

lovinblacklove: The Hunt

lovinblacklove: The Hunt: Remember way back when, when girls couldn’t knock on a boys door or call them, the boys had to come to the door and respectfully request to ...

The Hunt

Remember way back when, when girls couldn’t knock on a boys door or call them, the boys had to come to the door and respectfully request to see the girl. The boy also had to call her; there was no stalking from the girl or manic texting. Some things should still be in practice. It is in the nature of the male species to hunt and somehow we have taken that away and made it too easy for men. Don’t get me wrong; I am all for going after what you want, because things have changed. It is possible to give the ok signal to the man, even approach in today’s time and then retreat and let them begin the hunt. If you do everything for him, why would he find it special? Why would he appreciate you? Even more, if you do everything in the beginning, you will be doing everything throughout the entire relationship and you will be cheated. Don’t give too much too soon, ladies even as a married woman he likes the hunt every now and then.

What's the standard?

If you could date yourself, how would the night go?

Would you call yourself days in advance at a reasonable hour to schedule the date?

Would you make reservations at a nice restaurant?

Would you call yourself and confirm the date is still on the night before the date?

Would you show up on time and knock on your door to escort yourself to the car?

Would you compliment yourself on how nice you look?

Would you open the car door for yourself?

Would you have a normal first time conversation that does not include sex?

Would you pay for the meal?

At the end of the night would you walk yourself to the door to say goodnight?

How many women have really dated, not kicked it…..dated?

Husband or Homie Lover Friend

As women we set the tone in every relationship we have. We decide whether we have a Husband or Homie Lover Friend. Ladies, don’t sell yourself cheap. With a Homie Lover Friend you are allowing someone to use or borrow your goods, until they find the person they really want to love, honor, respect for better or worse. With a potential husband, he is working hard to please you, to show you the best part of him so that you know without a shadow of a doubt he values you and wants to make you his wife.

When you meet someone, be certain of what you desire. Don’t say one thing and do something different. Don’t sleep with him on the first date, the first month or fifth month. A potential husband should have to wait at least six months. You have to give him a chance to fall in love with everything you are. Men do not cherish or handle with care anything they don’t have to work hard for. You need that time to get to know him as well. You need to witness his day to day life, how he treats his mother or female family members in his life. Is there baby mama drama? Is he respectful of you? Is he controlling? Does he not stand up for himself or you? Is his mother obsessed and out of line in his life? These are just some of the things you need to know.

Don’t let his looks, cars, income or package cloud your judgment. I realize it can be hard to say no, or stand your ground and that’s why I say to know what you want first. If you are having fun and that’s it, great! If you are ready to settle down, you have to be smart and send the right messages. Oh, and don’t get discouraged with all of the junky men that may come your way, they are just a test.

Talk to your man

We have heard for years and years that men and women communicate in two totally different ways. Ladies, take a minute and talk to your man. I direct this primarily to you married women, because so many times we get caught up in the day to day routine that we forget to talk to our husbands in their language.

Cook your man his favorite dinner (food); Serve it to him in a lounge outfit you know he likes. If you have kids think of something he likes to see you in that talks to him (undercover). Make sure your hair isn't wrapped or all over your head. When you speak to him, speak in a softer tone than usual, a tone he associates intimacy with. Sit next to him while he is watching television (it doesn't matter if you like the show or not). Ask him of his day, and give him an encouraging word. Ladies, men need to feel that you care without pressure and direction. While he is talking to you, make some type of physical connection with him. This connection can be holding hands, your feet touching, your legs or head resting on him, whatever you choose.
You have now set the tone for whatever you like or desire for the week. He will go to work with you on your mind.

Don't Settle

Do you know that what you settle for now is what you will be living and dealing with later? It is so important that when we are dating, that we are dating for the right reasons and dating the person most qualified. If you desire to marry, you should only be dating marriage material. If you are just having fun and you do not desire a long term or serious relationship, then by all means have fun.

Laws to Live By

Choose a man that puts you second only to God. Choose a man that is mindful of the words he speaks to you, not to offend, hurt or crush you. Choose the man that will protect you when in danger and give you his shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen when in need.  Choose a man that celebrates you and your accomplishments, there should never be competition. Choose a man you can trust and choose a man you can grow with.

So many times we allow the wrong man to choose us, instead of us choosing the right man. If you have children and you are choosing a school or day care for them, you look at the school curriculum, culture, location, as well as many other things to see if it is appropriate, safe and convenient for your child and your life style. You are entrusting the most important person in your life to that school, so it must be right. This is the same effort and guide that must be used in choosing your mate.

That's My Sister

So I am at work today and standing in line is a middle age woman staring at me without a smile in site. My first impression was not very positive given her body language and facial expression.  I call on her to assist her and as she approached me I spoke and immediately complimented her on her hair.

She responded with a smile and began to just poor out her personal obstacles in life. She was in the process of a horrible divorce, she was now a single mother who hadn't worked in over 9 months, her confidence was at an all-time low and this was her first day of work. I worked as slow as I possibly could and we talked for about ten minutes. When it was time for her to leave, she told me God must have sent me to her because she felt so down and a little scary about what was to come. She \pulled herself together to make this job thing happen, bur inside she felt broken. I told her God has a purpose and a plan for her life because she is still standing.

When she left, I thought to myself, that’s My Sister. So many times we read people or attempt to read people because of a facial expression or an outer impression. Everyone has a story and you never know when stepping out of your box will be the encouragement, or life line a person may need to get through that day. That lady today just needed an ear and some encouragement from someone who looked like her.

Make a point to speak to your sisters whether or not they appear to be approachable or not.

Walk Away

I just watched a show about verbal and physically abusive relationships. Domestic Violence is still one of the most kept secret in relationships. Most of the time people do not have a clear definition or understanding of what abuse is. There is never an excuse or justification for abuse from anyone at any time. Ladies, if you are being called out of your name (bitch, whore, stupid), just to name a few, it is not ok and it is definitely not healthy. Ladies you must understand that just as there are various boundaries and regulations that we must follow in society, they too exist in our personal relationships. Without boundaries and regulations in conduct one may become out of line.

Please be clear for those who brag about landing a couple of blows in return, it is not ok and it is not healthy and normal. Ladies we are special in our own right. Women do wonderful things and I promise for all of those who think there is no better mate out there for you, there is. There is someone who will hold you firm, yet soft. He will say the best things to you just to hear your laughter, he will protect you when needed, he will wipe your tears not create them. There is someone awaiting your love, dedication, loyalty and friendship. I can tell you from experience, it is nothing like being loved properly, it is everything that God has planned for you.
God has promised to lead you if you just listen to him. Stop derailing his plan just because you are impatient or scared to be alone.

God created us to accomplish and experience great things, not of which included the breakdown and destruction of his children. You should never be treated less than the way your father in heaven would treat you.

If you are in an abusive relationship, please get out and stay out. If you know someone who is in one, pass this on to them with a prayer.

Single Mothers

I am a product of a single parent. My mother was my everything, my guider, my protector, my act right, my biggest cheerleader, my confident, my hero. The older I get and the more life I experience, the more I realize the sacrifices that were made for me to stand as I do today.

My mother is the reason I have a wonderful husband, children and overall good life. My mother didn't bash my father or any other men, she didn't blame me for the toll life may have brought on, and she didn't surround me with the wrong people and influences and was very careful in the words she spoke to me, even in discipline. I was never called stupid or told to shut up (does the quiet game count)?  We were family with or without my dad in the home. I ate full course meals at 6pm nightly and had conversations of all the great things the future held for me.

I said all of this to say to all of the single mothers, to keep your head up and although; it can be a thankless job, what you do and say matters and counts for generations to come. Your presence is necessary, lifesaving and the most important. Take the time to talk to your children, tell them all of the good things you were told and even the things you wish you were told. Teach them that they matter and they can do any and everything with your support, love and their determination. I know it gets hard and lonely at times, I know wearing multiple hats can get heavy on the head, but know that one day all of what you do today will appear in your children and grandchildren.

God Bless You All

Keep some things to yourself

So I am having a conversation with a friend, and she is talking about having her husband help her take her weave out. OMG!! I thought she had lost her mind. This was not the first time I'd heard this but still surprising.

Men do not need to know how we connect the dots. Sure, you have some men who were raised by single mothers, or are professionally informed of our beauty secrets, but other than that, NO DEAL!

Think about it, when men fantasize are they fantasizing about head rags, pajamas, crust in the eyes, wig heads on the dresser for the ambiance? No, men want to be enticed. What man sees a woman get out of the car in pajama bottoms, her wrap on her head and says "damn I want to get with her"? None

Men should not be helping us take our weaves out; we should be hygienically clean on a regular basis. I know someone who would smell under her arms in front of her husband and say "damn I'm musty" when I saw that, I thought to myself. wow!! Not only does he not want to know that, I can bet he does not want to smell it either.

Don't ever get so comfortable around anyone that you allow them to see you rub your booty on the curb, that is exactly what that is, rubbing your booty on the curb.

To all that are single, remember you get what you give. If you catch someone while in your pajamas and head rags nine times out of ten, his expectations are not very high for himself in his own life; therefore he is fine with the way you present yourself.

Law to Live By

One of the biggest most important laws to live by when in a relationship is to keep people out of your relationship. My husband and I learned very early, that the people who love you the most are capable of doing the most damage, in the name of protecting or looking out for you. Most of the time people are projecting their own fears and/or experiences onto you and your relationship. Remember, other people don't forget and they hold grudges in the name of loyalty to you. Don't bad mouth your mate to another, don't vent to too many people. When you forgive and give another chance, that same person or people that you vented to or talked badly about your mate are still upset. Bad mouthing your mate in bad times and showcasing them in good times is like serving your favorite meal on a trash can lid. The food may be good, but the presentation and the delivery are dirty and smelly.

Some people have journals to vent in; some people need to speak to a person. Whatever you may need to help support, comfort and/or vent to just be selective and even then some things need not be said or shared.

Love Every Morsel of Your Body

All of you who have children may be able to relate.

This morning while getting dressed for church, one of my sons said " mom do you sometimes wish you were skinny again"? My answer to him was "no" I told him I love my body and myself just the way it is. The stretch marks are battle scars of which I was victorious. This body is mine, I respect it and I love it, which allows other people to respect me and love me as I am. It has seen me through two births, three beautiful kids, a miscarriage, 14 years of marriage, deaths, births and a host of other experiences.

Just a side note: Ladies,  it is so important to love ourselves. How can we expect someone else to love and respect our bodies, ourselves if  we do not? The majority of us need to be in better shape, and that's fine; however we have to learn how to love, respect and cherish this vessel that God provided us. We also have to be mindful of the messages and information that we give to our children.

Although, I have boys I want them to have a good relationship with their body image. I do not ever want my boys to see me apologize for who I am or what I look like. It would be different if I sat on my butt everyday, eating bon bons watching soaps. Don't get me wrong, we should all do our best to be in shape and healthy, but if you don't love yourself big, you won't love yourself small. Love every morsel of your body. 

We See Each Other But We Don't

It's really sad when a black man can walk right pass a black woman and not speak and vice versa. So, today while on my lunch break, I went to a donut shop to play the lottery and then next door to a hamburger place. A brotha walks in the donut shop less than two feet behind me. I turn around to leave, I smile and say excuse me to him only to have no response. I walk next door to the hamburger spot, he walks behind me. I sit down; he sits down a table away.

Are you guys keeping track? Second store, second encounter and no smile, no greeting just eyes. I walk up to the counter talking to the lady cooking my food, only to turn around and see him staring at me. Still no smile, no hello, nothing just eyes. Now not to be conceited, but I had my stuff together. My dress, shoes, purse, hair and make-up were on point. I had a smile on my face from laughing at a comment the lady made, so nothing on me displayed attitude, stuck up or anything negative. Wouldn’t you know as I walked out, I saw his reflection in the window turning around watching me walk out of the door? Obviously, he saw something good enough to do a double take on. Why not just say "hi"?

What happened to common courtesy, what happened to speaking just from one black person to another in passing? The funny thing is that I am so married...happily married, so all he could have done was speak.

We as black men and women should have more respect for each other and all that we have in common. This behavior is a learned behavior and a behavior brought on by unpleasant experiences. So ladies, the next time you are walking pass a brotha, speak to him and keep it moving. One thing we have as woman is the ability to set the tone in just about any situation. So as the leaders, teachers and caretakers we are, let us change this behavior. Generations of scars on both sides can begin to heal starting at "hello".

Pass it On

If you enjoy and support this blog, please pass it on to a young lady. It is our responsibility to hold hands and walk through this journey called life empowering one another.


Thank you for your support

Small Signs of Drama

Maya Angelou, once said “when someone shows you who they are the first time believe them” That is the issue that most of us women have. We meet a man who looks good, has a job and is seeking us; however when he shows us who he is we don’t believe him. We have a real knack for trying to change men to become who we think they should be, or ignoring the traits and characteristics that spell out DANGER! ABUSIVE! DISRESPECTFUL! LAZY! Just to name a few.

I once dated a guy who would say to me “call me when you get home from work” when I called him, he would be like “what’s up”? In a tone as if I was bothering him. In our initial conversation he led me to believe he either wanted to hang out or was just simply interested in my day and wanted to talk to me. By the end of the conversation, I would end up cussing him out and hanging up on him. In less than twenty minutes he was at my door with a stupid smile saying “what’s up”. He thought this was funny, I didn’t. He did its three times total before I issued him his walking papers. The moral of this story is that this person would take control of my emotions and abuse them. One moment I am having a nice day and the next I am cussing him out, followed by him at my door like there was a joke we were both in on.

He showed me what our relationship would be up and down, back and forth. I didn’t want a relationship where I had to say F*** you, every day and twice on Sunday. I knew what I wanted and what I did not want, and that was a jacked up relationship.

 Ladies, know what it is that you want and don’t take anything less than within reason. Listen, acknowledge and believe all of the signs a man gives you. Cut it off early before you get to deep in. Make sure that the person you are with warrants your time, love and energy. “When someone shows you who they are the first time believe them”…..Maya Angelou

You are Beauty

I started this blog in hopes to better equip men and women in there future and current relationships. I want other women to feel love like I do. I want other women to know real trust, security, friendship, passion, dedication, warmth and kindness from their mate like I know. Of course, learning how to communicate with each other, respect each other and compromise willingly in a relationship are all very important components to a healthy, happy and loving relationship; however that's part of act II.

What is act I? Act I is you. The individual person that desires a mate of substance. It is so important for us to be whole prior to entering into any relationship. How many woman look into the mirror everyday and think kind thoughts about themselves? The majority of women wake up, get dressed look into the mirror and think about all of the things they want to change about themselves, how a piece of clothing does not fit their body right, a bump on their face etc. When you do that you are single handedly tearing yourself to shreds. How can you expect to walk out of the door as your best self and perform as such after you just beat yourself down. How does that happen? When you have been in a fight, are you able to be your best self and put on that sun shiny disposition right after the fight? My guess is no.

So for those who look in the mirror each day with unkind thoughts and judgments of themselves, know that you are fighting yourself and you are losing the fight. I encourage you to look into yourself and find the beauty that only God created in you. Others love you the way you love yourself........You are Beauty

Allowing the Connection

Tonight I had the pleasure of watching my son play soccer.  It was so nice to see all of the men standing on the side line cheering on their small ones. I noticed that every time a father yelled go!!!! followed by his child's name the child would glance over to the side with a smile in his or her eyes. Right in that moment you could tell that the child wanted to do more to evoke that type of response.

Ladies, just a quick word, no matter how little you may think of your child's father, never keep them apart. If you have a man that wants to be involved and is a decent person, let them have a relationship. The best thing you can ever do for your child is to allow a relationship with their father. Make sure that at all costs you do not speak ill of the father and you only promote their relationship. He may be a salty dog to you, but to your child that is daddy and everyone deserves one.

Just Relax

So I am at the park today with my four guys, the youngest playing his sport. My twins and I cheering while my hubby coaches the game. Just before the game gets started two women approach my hubby. I was sitting off to the side talking with friends when I noticed the body language of the women. Ladies we know when someone is on the prowl around our men. We were guest at a different park, so in all fairness they saw my baby and thought what I think every time I look at him (damn)! Being the gentleman that he is, he answered their questions, pointed towards me and sent them on their way. At the end of the game, I brought it up in a joking manner, we laughed and went on about our day.

Ladies, I did four lasting important things in the way that I handled the situation. First, I did not overact and/or make him be on the defensive, I did not cause a scene when it happened embarrassing us both and third I allowed him to be his self and not feel the need to hide any part of his life with me. I have always felt that if I have an attitude or overact to someone flirting with him, he will begin to hide it from me when it does happen. Once a man has to hide one thing from his woman, it makes it so much easier to hide any and everything else. Don't get me wrong, the situation must stay respectful and that's when the trust you have in him kicks in. Overall, he knows that he can come home to not only his mate, but his friend.
So ladies, when your man respectfully notices a pretty woman or a woman notices him (outside of your presence) don't jump all over him, just keep it cool and move on. Remember woman and men communicate completely different and most of the time, the way that we communicate only helps our men shut down and stop talking.

Stay in Character

Never allow anyone to take you out of your character.

We teach people how to treat us. If you allow a man to call you late at night as an after thought, or call you out of your name because he is frustrated, not to open your door and allow you in first, or to even reference you as "man"; you are teaching him that it is ok to have little to no respect for you. You are a woman, one of God's greatest creations. He has trusted us to bring life into this world. To allow a man to treat you less than the way your father in heaven would treat you is unacceptable.
Ladies be firm in who you are. Lessons are best learned in actions not words. If you are approached with "hey", a horn or anything less then a proper greeting keep it pushing. The first impression, encounter and your reaction sets the tone. Make a man stand at attention when dealing with you, anything less is not for you.

What attracts you to a man

What do we look at when we engage in dating? what should we be looking at? Is it the way the man walks? Does he have swagger? Is it the scent of the man? Is it the approach he takes in greeting you?

The answer should be all of the above. Take notice of the way a man walks toward, next to, in front of or away from you. He should be walking as if he is going after something, as if he has a purpose.

When a man walks with a lazy posture, dragging his feet, or with his pants displaying the color of his underwear keep in mind he is displaying his self worth, his position of choice in this life and possibly his level of intelligence and confidence. Take notice of his scent. Does he smell nice, is he well groomed (basic grooming) has he visited a dentist lately? Even a construction worker directly after work will display some evidence of grooming. You should not have to teach or tell a man to groom himself, that was his mother's job.
His walk will tell you how much time he has on his hands. If he has a lazy walk, he has more time to waste then you do. If he is dragging his feet representing himself, how will he represent you? If a man doesn't have a plan for his life or goals, he can't possible contribute or be a partner in yours.

Woman's Intuition

Ladies, when you are being pursued or approached by a man do you listen to your first or second thought for the green light? Before you answer, take a moment and think about the last two or three people that you have dated and it did not work out. Think about the day that you met and the feeling, voice, or sign that you received prior to exchanging information.

So many times women bypass that first thought of "NO" and say, a date won't hurt or he seems cool or I can get a free meal. That voice and/or feeling that you receive or feel is your woman's intuition. It is a naturally installed device to help guide us in our decision making personally and professionally. It tells us immediately if we are in danger or soon to be. The majority of failed relationships or dysfunction relationships would not be had we listened to our first thought.

When God created us, he gave us all that we needed to survive. Use what you have been given.

Look the Part

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Dress up for your mate, bathe, put on some smell good and entice your mate everyday. Do not become so comfortable that you let your mate see your gristle. Who doesn't want someone who shines, glistens and smells nice in their presence? You don't always have to be in heels ladies or a three piece suit men. Just don't makes a habit of sweats and t-shirts, crust in the eyes, hair not comb and less than a pleasant scent. Do not allow your mate to just see the same ole same ole. Switch it up every now and then.

Ladies remember that men are visual creatures, they are naturally attracted to what they see and smell. Gentlemen, ladies respond to your words and gestures. Men, say something kind and sweet to her and flirt a little. When a woman smiles outside, she is smiling inside as well.

A sharp tongue

Be mindful of the words that come out of your mouth to your mate. Let us not get so comfortable with one another that we just talk to each other any kind of way. We are so careful in what we say to our supervisors or co-workers at work, church, or our neighbors ; all in the name of being polite. What about the person we are dating, engaged to or married to? Shouldn't we be giving them the best of us? Shouldn't we be polite and control the tone of each verbal exchange? I think so. Words can be damaging and cut like a sword, never to be forgotten.

Challenge: For seven days find something positive, meaningful and non-sarcastic to say to your mate and watch them soften to your voice.

loving your man

Sometimes as women we move so fast through the daily chores and maintenance of life with our children, our careers, our parents, siblings, friends and every other hat that we wear; we forget to be wives and girlfriends and what that Intel's. Being a wife and girlfriend can be challenging in the middle of living and the day to day functions in our lives. Our men not only desire our attention, but they need it as well.

Ladies take a moment to acknowledge, celebrate, smile, touch and/or just sit next to your man. As we know men and women speak two different languages; therefore it may take additional effort on us ladies to encourage our men to continue their daily task, or congratulate a victorious moment in their lives, and/or even as little as saying "I am so glad you are home". Just a few endearing words a day can make all of the difference in the world. Men naturally want to feel needed and appreciated for their contributions to our lives and when we begin to share and show gratitude for their efforts, their daily mission becomes a mission of satisfying and pleasing their women. Ladies allow your men to please you.