The Fiber of a Man

The other day I was feeling a little down because coming soon is another anniversary of the day I lost my mother. Just the thought brings tears to my eyes, only this time my husband ran across my mind. The man that vowed to support me, stand for me, never against me, through sickness and in health. This man vowed never to lay a harmful hand on me, to be my rock to lean on and pillow to cry on when needed.  He has never broken his vows to me and in my eyes has surpassed any and all expectations.

When we are young and dating or visualizing our future husbands and family life, we often place more importance on the way the person looks, what they drive and/or what kind of job they have. Very seldom do we imagine the different curves or lessons, as I like to call them that will occur and tack at the very fiber we are made of. If we are fortunate to grow up with our parents and/or siblings in a as normal as possible environment, and if we had a normal, functional/semi-dysfunctional, peanut butter no jelly house hold, we can’t imagine having to arrive at the crossroads where we have to choose to stand or fall.

When I came to one of my crossroads (because I swear I have seen a few roads in my time) I found myself tragically loss of my mother and my first cousin. I doubted myself, everything I knew including my father in heaven. I was never a sad and broken girl and during that time that was all I saw. I use to tell my husband, that I didn’t know who I was and who I was supposed to be; as I had never lived on this earth without my mother (best friend). He would constantly say to me, “even if you don’t know who you are, I do and I love you with all of my heart”. This is why I celebrate and thank God for him!

In my darkest days, the light was shined on the mere fiber of this man. He had full control and opportunity to talk down to me, to run around with other women while I sat home crying and depressed. He had all the time in the world to try and break me down, but he didn’t. He uplifted me; he said wonderful and positive things to me on a daily basis. When I cried, he stopped the world for me and held me in his arms until I felt safe and strong again. He took on the duties that had fallen by the wayside in my darkness. He allowed four of my family members to move in, while working and supporting eight people on his income alone and never complained. He created a supportive and stable environment for me to heal in. THE FIBER OF MY MAN!!

So, I share this story because I want the single women out there to know that this type of man does exist and he exists for you. No one is perfect or without fault, but the superficial perks we sometimes as women look for to calculate the fiber of a good man are not necessarily found in a type of job or car. There is no difference between me and any single woman seeking grand love, I didn’t settle so don’t you. I think about all of the idiots (fish) I had to throw back in the water to find my man, I am so glad I did. THE FIBER OF MY MAN!!!

Believe Him

So, I am watching Couples Therapy (don't ask me why) and DMX and his wife who is seperated six years from is on the show. They are on the show because his wife wants to try and save their relationship before it is too late, mind you this is six years into seperation. I was irritated, frustrated and then sad for her because she sadly thinks very little of herself and the love and relationship she deserves. Naturally being upset at DMX and shaking your head at him seems to be the most natural sensible thing to do, but there is one huge problem. He told her that she knew he was a player and loved various women (nicely put) when they met, he has never changed and never professed to be anyone else. She then agreed that she thought that ring on her finger would have made him change.

Now the blame is shifted from him to her, because he told her who he was twenty years ago, displayed behavior to confirm who he was throughout their relationship and she still stayed, married him and had four children by him. What in the world is the problem? It's like she went down to the big white building, waited in line through the cold, rain and snow and ordered twenty plus years of pain, heartache, feelings of loneliness, disrespect and neglect just to name a few. This person she married (can't call him a man) had six kids by various other women throughout their relationship, served unnecessary jail time and God knows what else and guess what? She is sitting on a national television show viewed by millions of young people, including her children I am sure trying to piece together a dysfunctional, destructive relationship.

Please know, I believe that people can change, I know that we are not perfect beings, and I know that ultimately there is a reason she feels so little of herself to allow, and be apart of such a mess of a relationship; however, it really is sad to see and know that she is not the only woman ignoring all of the flashing red lights.

Again, from the great Maya Angelou " When someone shows you who they are the first time believe them"

“Man I am Not” Address me accordingly

How many times have you been addressed as “Man” or “Eh” by someone you are dating or in a relationship with? How many times have you answered to it? Remember that you teach people how to treat and respect you. As a woman, you should not be addressed as “Man” or “Eh”, you may think this is small; but it is the small things that pile up and equate to big problems within a relationship. Being addressed as “Man” or “Eh” allows him to be a little looser with his conversation and tone with you. Men take care of those who they feel are precious, delicate and held in a high regard. If you are addressed as “Man” or “Eh” what makes you different from anyone else he may address on the street. Your man or potential man should have to always think before he just says anything to you. They should be mindful of the tone and words in which they speak to you. Don’t get me wrong, we don’t want men to walk on egg shells around us, and feel as though they can’t play or say anything to us; however they must stay respectful at all times, it’s called boundaries. Unfortunately, this process can be just like child rearing. The nature of a child is to explore and to see how far they can go before receiving consequences. The consequence is what is used to measure exactly how far they can go and in that distance what they can get away with. The same ideology goes for the man and the relationship. If he knows that you will not take anything less than respect and a level of treatment and conduct from him, he will comply. Let’s not forget ladies, there is a piece to this puzzle that sets the tone, and that is you and the respectful conduct in which you must maintain. There is power in patience, time and sometimes a closed mouth. Make sure you are respectful in your tone and mindful of the words you speak to him. Make sure you are his biggest cheerleader and not his biggest critic.

Whose Bags are You Carrying

As women we must accept who it is we see in the mirror and find ways to like and love that person staring back at us. Unfortunately most women have been given someone else’s baggage to harness on their back and carry it into their own life. When you are carrying someone else’s baggage you begin to travel the same road and experience the same hurt and pain. How can one have good judgment in dating when they are fishing in dirty water? How can one know the real love of a man when you have heard “all men are dogs” all your life? How can one respect and love the essence of a man when they have watched their father cheat and/or their mother chase after a cheating man? How can a woman find a good man when they can’t find their father? Check your closet and see whose bags have been left with you. Acknowledge the bags are heavy, unwanted and not yours. There is a process to claiming what belongs to you and only you. You are a woman, God’s greatest creation. Stand up and take your place.

Waiting on Manhood

So, last night I was watching Basketball Wives (don’t judge me) LOL!! Anyway, I watched one of the cast members tell her fiancé that she would rather know if he was cheating, because she is not naive, she knows he is on the road and has access to other women. He then replied to her ‘this being committed to one person is something new he is trying and he is trying to become the man she needs and wants him to be. I am sorry ladies, but I just wanted to regurgitate!!!

Why does she feel like he is the best she can get? Why is he working on his self to become what she needs, wants and desires during the beginning stages of a relationship? Why is she giving him an out of being a real man?

Ladies, we must remember some very important things in life: we teach people how to treat us, if you set low boundaries, expect disrespectful results and/or treatment. Why are we waiting for his manhood to kick in? Manhood is not what’s between his legs, the hair on his chest, the base in his voice or how many women he can screw. Manhood is being a man of his word, be responsible in business and in his personal relationships, manhood is not pretending to be someone who you are not to please others. Manhood is taking care of your children without court assistance.

Ladies, why are we settling for less than what you are due? There are men who do not cheat and there are men who are grown and complete in themselves, ready and available for a relationship.  I know the idiots come running towards you like gang-busters; however they are tests to see if you really know what you want and are willing to wait out the storm and idiots to receive it.

Listening to that woman talk saddened me, I was just baffled at the look on her face. She is going to continue to plan her wedding and hope and pray he doesn’t embarrass her any more in the future with rumors of other women, or worse like deliver her first class a disease. Set your standards and keep to them. A man wants to have his stuff together prior to hooking up with you if he has good intention and if he is man to the bone.

Replenish the Well

In love there must be patience, understanding, respect and a genuine liking of each other.  Sometimes we can get wound up in our daily lives, in our hormonal state, in our ego, in our attitudes that we forget to take the time to replenish the well…the love well. Just as you must make time for yourself to pray, to eat, to sleep, to take a breath, in order to feed a relationship you must make time to love, talk, dance, laugh, play, cry and listen to the others hardships. You don’t always have to have the answer; sometimes the heat of your body sitting or lying next to your mate can bring calm. Replenish the well

Having the biggest day of your life or the biggest life from your day

They say the biggest day of a womens life is her wedding day; I beg to differ.

Blood, Sweat and tears we give for that perfect day. We fantasize and plan our weddings to the T, the wedding date, find and/or purchase their wedding dress, the color scheme, the ring, the location and even what the groom will be wearing followed by the honeymoon. All of this is planned prior to being engaged and/or even dating their future husband. The plan is so perfectly planned except for one thing, what happens when the man comes along and he doesn’t fit the tux you picked out and he doesn’t want the big wedding and honeymoon? What happens when he wants to elope, save the money and begin his life with you? Do you go with it or force your preplanned wedding and marriage on him?

I ask this question because I don’t think a lot of people realize that marriage is hard work. It takes a conscious daily effort. This person is really the only person that can hurt your heart and soul. This person becomes closer to you then the people in the home you grew up in. He has become your immediate family and you are now responsible for the smiles, laughter and tears. The real wedding (celebration) of the marriage comes after you say I do. After he has picked you up when you fall, after he has wiped your tears and put a smile on your face. After he has stood for you now and asked questions later. The real wedding and celebration comes after you comfort and encourage him when the world has been harsh.

It’s ok to dream and plan, just know where and when the real work begins. Marriage can be the best thing, as long as you put forth 100 times more focus, effort, consideration and determination into the marriage after you say I do.

Is that a man?

What is your definition of a man? What does he look like? What type of character does he have? What is his value and belief system? What boundaries does he have? How does he live his life? So many women say they want a real man, or they are waiting for a real man, but I wonder do they know one when they see one.

The dictionary defines a man as an adult male person, as distinguished from a boy or a woman; a human individual as representing the species, a husband, a male lover or sweetheart, to act in a typically masculine way, as in taking responsibility or making tough decisions.

 The bible reads that a man’s complex nature is composed of two elements, body and soul or in “1 Thess. 5:23”, spirit and soul. The soul is the rationale and the spirit is considered the vital principle of the body. 

A man is not something that can be claimed because of the hair on his chest, or how deep his voice is. A man is the essence of a magnificent being, he is rigid and flexible. He can rule without an iron fist, and calm an upset amongst his loved ones. He protects and serves when applicable and he never abuses his power, or demeans his lover. A man is respectful and accepts nothing less for his woman. He is proud but not foolish, he is patient yet persistent and he keeps his word.

Before you begin to date ask yourself the first question above, what is your definition of a man and if you truly desire a real man? Take a look at some of the characteristics that should be present in a man:

ü  He must love the Lord and have or be seeking a better relationship with the Lord

ü  He must live with a purpose and have a direction in which he is seeking; he has a plan for his future (if he doesn’t see a future for his self how does that help you?).

ü  He must have a job- a man does not want to be a burden, men are naturally hunters and providers (GR doesn’t count)

ü  He must not live with his mother, auntie or cousin

ü  He is not an abuser of any kind (verbal, physical, emotional)

ü  He is dependable and his priorities are in tact

ü  He is not a dead beat dad